I miss Mom

We saw Matt tonight. We drove up to his house to take his car back to him and then he took us out to dinner at Jack in the Box. His girlfirend just broke up with him so he isn't doing so hot. Plus I think that its starting to hit him about Mom.

Speaking of. . . God I can't believe how much I miss her. I try not to think about her or to let it show because I don't want the kids to see me upset, but I am so depressed I don't know what to do sometimes. Seeing Matt didn't really help. I started crying on the way home. I don't think Tim really understands either. I feel like we/I am on this downward sprial and I don't know hot to come up. I ask for help, but I don't see it. I don't want to interact with either Tim or the kids. Plus with being nauseaus, all I do is lay on the couch all day. Don't feel like doing anything else, not playing, not watching TV, not cooking, not cleaning, half of the time, not talking. I look forward to the nights because I know that its getting dark and the kids will be going to bed soon. I wish I could go stay with my Aunt Sue for a week or two, just me, no kids or Tim. But I guess that's not really possible.

How do you pick up and go on? When does it not hurt anymore? When will I stop picking up the phone to call Mom's house and ask Nana how Mom's doing today or try to call Mom at work to talk about stuff? What do I do without her? I miss her so much. . .