Kennedy Rocks!

Kennedy had her first gymnastics competition on Friday night and she won first place!! It was called Mini-Nationals and it is for all Level 1-4 gymnasts. (Levels go up to 10, then Elite, which are Olympic levels.) Kennedy is a Level 2. She competed in all four events: vault, bars, beam, and floor. We were surprised because we thought she was only competing on floor and beam. On her bars routine, she did a new trick called a pull-over for the second time! Kennedy had four girls in her group, all of whom have been doing gymnastics longer. Two of the girls are at least a year older and the other is about 6 months younger. So all the time and money we've put into her gymnastics is definitely worth it.

Bits and Pieces

Ok so its been awhile. . .

I hate computers! We've been having problems with the computer and/or the internet so its been a pain in the you know what to use. We have broadband internet and its been running slower than diap-up. Don't know if its the computer or the internet. I am planning on buying a new computer soon, hopefully on the day after Thanksgiving.

So other than that, not much new is happening. Tim's been working and we have the usual hang-ups with that. AS far as we know, Tim is scheduled to deploy again in April or May. His company is the 4th Stryker Brigade. Whether he goes or not will depend on his next MRI and couple of doctor appointments.

Gymnastics is going alright for Kennedy. She is getting ready for her first inner-gym competition on Nov. 10. Its not a big deal. Everybody gets a medal/trophy/award. But she is excited about it and is constantly practicing her routines in the living room. She has two more skills to master and she gets a blue belt (the third level).

I am starting to actually gain weight now. The doctors aren't on my case as much anymore. Tomorrow I will officially be in my 7th month (27 weeks today) and I 've gained a total of 6 pounds, not counting the 23 pounds I lost in the first trimester. But the baby seems to be normal sized. From the front, you can barely tell I'm pregnant still. I expect that time will start to move quickly now with Thanksgiving coming and Christmas right after that.

Flips and Flops

Last week, Kennedy earned her white belt in gymnastics. They start with a red belt, then progress to white, blue, pink, etc. when they acquire new skills in each event (bars, beam, vault, tumbling, and trampoline). She is absolutely thrilled to wear her new belt. Today she had to get a new leo because her old one "somehow" got a hole in the front. I think it had help with her scissors, but I'm not certain. Oh well. That one was a year old so she needed a new one anyways. This was just an early birthday present.

Tim is in the field again. He left last Friday and won't be home until the 15th. He is in Yakima. And since he has back problems and can't wear any field gear, he is assigned to KP the entire time he's there. Yippee. So I haven't had a break from the kids at all and its starting to wear on me. My patience is shot that's for sure.

We have had to institute a new policy at home with the kids because neither one of them wants to listen or do as they are told. And Kennedy wants to be the boss of everybody and everything. So each day they start with a new paper that has their name and three empty boxes on it. When we have a misbehavior incident, they get an "X" or a sad face. If all the boxes get filled, they do not get a reward. This may be dessert or a story at bedtime or staying up an extra half hour. So far its worked very well. I know that you are supposed to focus on good behavior, not bad, but getting sad faces instead of happy faces seems to work better with Kennedy. And TJ goes along with whatever.

According to Kennedy, 5 days til her birthday. She is not letting me forget and she is telling everybody else. I think she's a little exited.

More Sad News

When Mom died, Aunt Sue and Uncle Dan took her dog CoCo home with them. She had been doing well until last night apparantly. When Aunt Sue came home and tried to take CoCo out, she was kind of lethargic. She went out peed, but had trouble pooping and trouble coming back in. So they took her to the vet. The vet did some tests and x-rays and found fluid in CoCo's lungs and abdominal cavity. Their diagnosis: lung cancer. Just like Mom. So they had to put CoCo to sleep last night.

All of us in the family are wondering if this is a coincidence or not. There are several other isolated incidents too that may or may not be related. We are wondering if there is something in either the marsh behind the house or in the house itself. I called my friend Abby to tell her and she told her husband, who happens to be a heating and cooling guy. He thinks that there could be something wrong with the furnace or something and will be checking it out very quickly. I know that we need to know, but I don't want to know if it means that Mom's death could have been prevented.

Its too early for Christmas!

Why is it that Christmas comes to the stores earlier every year. Last year it was before Halloween. This year there is already stuff up! Can we get through one holiday at a time? Wal-Mart actually had there Christmas aisles up before they had any Halloween stuff out. I am dreading Christmas this year. All my childhood, Christmas was my least favorite holiday. It seems that for one reason or another, I was always disappointed. Then the last five years or so its actually been pretty good. Maybe I let go of my expectations or whatever, but I've actually enjoyed it. It has also been nice to do things our own way and to try to start our own family traditions. This year will be really hard though without Mom. Especially because I'll be remembering last year, when she was with us. I know, I know, at least I had last year. But it still won't be the same. We (the Murrays) will be spending Christmas out here in Washington because I'll be too far along to be able to travel. All the rest of the family, including Matt, will be spending Christmas together, presumably in Michigan. We asked Dad to come out so we wouldn't have to spend it alone, but he won't. And now, Sara wants to do away with gifts for each other. She wants to do a secret Santa with a limit of $20. That would be between her, me, Tim, Matt, Ricardo (who is not even officially a part of the family), Sue, Dan, BLake and Vonne. I HATE that idea. We have such a small family as it is. I could understand if we had a large family, but we don't. I usually gift in couples (Dan and Sue get a joint gift, Blake and Vonne, etc.) so I basically only have 5 gifts to do. Its not much. Besides, I usually make the gifts. And I already have this years done. Sara doesn't think that's fair if I make and she buys. I just don't understand why its such a big deal. Somebody tried to start that last year (probably Sara) and it got kiboshed by Mom. She hated that idea too. I think it sucks!

On to other news. . .

Had a garage sale on Saturday and made out awesome! $140 and it wasn't pay fay weekend. I sold my table and chairs and the old sofa set. Now I actually have room to put my stuff from Mom when I get it from Moose's.

Just as the yard sale was ending, TJ fell off the neighbor's 4-wheeler. Kennedy was driving and when she took off, he wasn't holding on good enough. He had a goose egg the size of a golf ball on the back of his head so I rushed him straight to the ER where they didn't do a thing for him. They said "oh he has a minor concussion. You can go home now." Gotta love the military's version of health care. Top notch.

Tim leaves for Yakima on Saturday for 2 weeks or training. That will suck.

I haven't had a great week. A lot of stuff about Mom has really been hitting me hard this week for some reason. I've found myself in tears just about everyday. (maybe its due partly to pregnancy hormones) I know its okay to have bad days (weeks?) and its okay to still cry. But nobody really wants to talk about it. Matt is gone and wouldn't talk anyways. I have tried to call Sara when it gets really bad since she's about the only one who should completely understand, but she won't talk. She always says she has to go and will call right back, which ends up being 6 hours later.

And so here is my journal of feeling sorry for myself lately. Oh well. Take it or leave it, I guess.

Clean Teeth

Kennedy went for her first official visit with the dentist today. She had her teeth cleaned. We are proud to report no cavities. She thought the dentist was cool, especially his tooth brush that went "Brrrr". TJ is excited to go too, but I think that's just because he wants a toy and a new toothbrush like Kennedy.

Its a . . .

I had my ultrasound today and yes, we know what we're having. We didn't want to, but the doc told Tim and then when we asked him to write it down, we wrote it in thick black pen on a thin white paper that he only folded in half. So when I picked it up, there it was, glaring back at me. So we know. If you want to know, you have to ask us though. I am disappointed to know, I really wanted that surprise. But it does eliminate the need for only green and yellow.

We are still floundering trying to find the right gymnastics class for Kennedy. They got rid of the level she was supposed to move to. Abilitywise, she can move to the level (Aces) after that, but she doesn't have the attention span that those kids do so it really isn't a good fit. The other class she can go into (Nova) is kids 5-7 but they are a mix of beginners and not beginners. A class with too many beginners in it isn't good for Kennedy because she is bored and goofs off. We are thinking of putting her in a Nova class twice a week with one coach who is really good. Most of the kids are not beginners in that class, but aren't quite up to the same skill as Kennedy yet. A few are though and one is from her old class too. We shall see, I guess. We go back on Thursday.

Well time for naps. TJ is already laying down and I think I'll go lay down with Kennedy for a bit.

The Tooth Fairy

Kennedy learned about the tooth fairy last night. A little too early for me though. She took off on her bike and turned a corner too fast. She landed on her face. She scraped her nose and lip, ripped the skin that connects your upper lip to your gums, ripped her gums in two places, and knocked out her front tooth. We quickly got her and the tooth cleaned up and tried to put it back in, but her gums had already swollen too much. So I took her up to the ER, where they told me they wouldn't do anything for her and we would have to wait a minimum of three hours to even be seen by a doctor. And they wouldn't call the dentist on call, even though I threw a fit. I was able to get her in to the dentist this morning, only to find out that they would have taken her last night and should have been able to get the tooth back in. We are hoping that they can put a fake one in or something like that. The only thing that keeps her from being hysterical is that her best friend Isabelle is missing the same tooth, the same way.

Kennedy also started her new gymnastics class last night, before the tooth accident. That was a fiasco. We showed up for class, along with another girl we knew, and they told us that the level that the girls had moved up to no longer exists. And the class they were going to take didn't have a teacher yet. After much talking, we got them to start the class with a different teacher. And they actually moved up two levels, supposedly, however the class is just a beginner class for older kids. We weren't very happy with class last night. It was way too beginner for Kennedy. We are going to give it a month and then move her to a different class - the beginning of the team classes, called Aces. It is more of a committment though, minimum of two days a week for an hour and a half each. They also have an optional conditioning class for two hours on a third day. The biggest downfall is the price increase - from $60 to $105 or $135. But its the difference of an hour a week versus 3-5 hours a week. I think I am going to have to start looking for babysitting or something, just to keep up with the gymnastics bill! Oh well, it will be worth it in the long run.

New Tricks

Okay so Kennedy picked up her bike (the one without training wheels) and took off on it for the first time today. We were working with her a couple of weeks ago on it, but had stopped because she didn't want to do it. So we left the little bike without training wheels and put one back on her bigger bike. Her new friend Isabelle who just turned 4 has been riding hers for awhile, but Kennedy is the first of most of her other friends including one who is 6 and one who is 8. She is so proud of herself. We are too.

Food for Thought

Nothing much has been happening. Its been a pretty boring week thus far. I did get in contact again with some friends in high school. People I was close with but lost touch. I'm really excited about that. Hopefully it will last this time.

I received this e-mail today and I really like it. I would post it to My Space, but I can't figure out how. So I figured I would post it here, especially since I haven't posted in a couple of days.

The following was written by Ben Stein.

Herewith at this happy time of year, a few confessionsfrom my beating
heart: I have no freaking clue who Nick and Jessicaare. I see them on the cover
of People and Us constantly when I am buying my dog biscuits and kitty litter. I
often ask the checkers at the groc ery stores. They never know who Nick and
Jessica are either. Who are they? Will it change my life if I know who
they are and why they have broken up? Why are theyso important?

I don't know who Lindsay Lohan is either, and I do notcare at all about Tom
Cruise's wife. Am I going to be called before a Senate committee and asked
if I am a subversive? Maybe, but I just have no clue who Nick and Jessica are.If
this is what it means to be no longer young , it's not so bad.

Next confession:I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors wasJewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees Christmas trees. I don't feel threatened. I don't feel discriminated against.
That's what they are: Christmas trees.

It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, "MerryChristmas" to me. I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a gh etto. In fact, I kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebratingthis happy time of year. It doesn't bother me at allthat there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu. If people want a creche, it's just as fine
with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.

I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew,and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. Ihave no idea where the concept came from that Americais an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the
Constitution,and I don't like it being shoved down my throat.

Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the ideacome from that we should worship Nick and Jessica and we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him?I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too. But there are a lot of us who are
wondering where Nick and Jessica camefrom and where the America we knew went
to.

In light of the many jokes we send to one another fora laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke;it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking.

Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the EarlyShow and Jane Clayson asked her "How could God let something like this Happen?" (regarding Katrina)Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightfulresponse. She said, "I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives.And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?"

In light of recent events...terrorists attack, school shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found recently) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK.

Then someone said you better not read the Bible inschool the Bible says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK.

Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank ourchildren when they misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what
he's talking about. And we said OK.

Now we're asking ourselves why our children have noconscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with "WE REAP WHAT WE SOW."

Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says. Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing. Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace. Are you laughing?

Movin' On Up

We just got home from gymnastics and got good news. Kennedy is moving up to the next class level - Tumbleweeds. She will be the youngest in the class. As it is, she is the only one in her current class who can do a back kick over (basically a backwards walkover). We are excited for many reasons. One of which is getting into a different class from one of the girls in her class. Her mom and I are supposedly friends. So imagine my surprise when Mom died and her response was "its okay. Don't cry." Some friend, huh? So she's ignored completely for the last few months for some reason or another. Sara wonders why I don't ask her what her problem is, but I guess I'm to the point where I don't really care. I would rather not have friends here than a fake friend. Its just not worth the effort to always wonder what I did wrong. I do feel bad for Kennedy though because the girl is one of her friends and her mom won't let her come over here or even play with Kennedy. Man, I love people.

A Funny Thing

We have been trying to teach the kids about strangers (Stranger Danger!!). I didn't think it had really set in too much since TJ's such a momma's boy anyway and Kennedy wouldn't know a stranger if you hit her in the face with one. Apparantly, I was wrong.

While TJ and I tried to take a nap this afternoon, Tim took Kennedy to Car Toys to browse and drool. They were in the aisle looking for something or other and Kennedy says loudly to Tim, "That's my purse! I don't know you!"

Luckily nobody heard and she was only trying to be funny. Think of the trouble that could have caused. . .

Not Much

Its been a week, so I figured I should post. But really nothing much has gone on. Tim is on vacation this week and next. We have been trying to get a lot of cleaning done. We did get tons of stuff ready to be itemized to go to Associated Charities or something like that. Thanks for the inspiration Abby. Mostly though we have been lazy, hanging around the house. Matt came over yesterday to take us to dinner for my birthday, but we decided to hang out instead. He bought me two movies and then said we'd do dinner another time because he wanted to get started over the Narrows Bridge before traffic got bad. We've got to finish cleaning today, do laundry, and start combing out Lady this weekend. Big plans.

2016 Olympics, here we come!

Kennedy had a break through in gymnastics today, her coach said. She is almost able to do a back bridge kick over all by herself, the first in her class. She also can do a pullover and a back hip circle on the bars by herself. Her coach is leaving to go to college in a couple of weeks and Kennedy will be moving up to the next level - Tumbleweeds. She will be one of the 2 youngest in that class. Normally they are at least 6, but usually 7. She will be able to compete with in the gym in about 6 months. But she has to be 7 before she can do any real competitions. She amazes me. I don't think I could ever do these things. I am glad that she likes it so much and that we don't have to push her into it. She has no fear about doing anything, which is good. (Scary too sometimes.) Hey, maybe she'll keep up with it, maybe not, but at least she's having fun right now.

We have also ended our heat wave earlier this week. We are having temps in the low 70s, high 60s. So much nicer than before. Sorry to those of you in Michigan.

Tim on his reduction board. They did not find any reason whatsoever to take his rank. They aknowledged that he still has a lot to learn, but that he's deserving of having his rank. So they are transferring him with rank intact. Unfortunately, we don't get any choice in that. They won't let us transfer off post. They kept him in the same brigade, but moved him to a fdifferent company. He will also be working under somebody this time, giving him the opportunity to get on the job training. Don't know if they are still trying to kick him out of not yet. We kind of hope so. We are both ready to be done with it.

My Kids and Music

So thanks to me loving brother and sister's influence, Kennedy and TJ have a rather eclectic taste in music. I tend to supply them with classical music, children's Christian music, or even a little Metallica occasionally. Kennedy's current favorite is an old New Kids on the Block CD and TJ is in love with the Booty song by Bubba Sparks. ("Booty, booty, booty rockin everywhere). So on the way home from the store yesterday, driving through our neighborhood, TJ's song comes on the radio. Our windows were down because it was cooler out. And TJ procedes to scream out the window "booty everywhere!" Matt and Sara were proud.

Help!!

Anybody know how to get crayon out of clothes and out of the dryer? One of the kids left a tiny piece of red crayon in their clothes and now I have spotted laundry.

No real relief in sight

Its still hot. It was only supposed to be 85 however my thermometer read 95. A cold front would be nice.

Kennedy had her recheck for her ears. They said she is fine. Both ears work fine now. Hopefully, we won't have any more problems.

Nothing else really new. We're off to the mall in search of A/C.

Scorchin

We are in the midst of yet another heat wave. Its been anywhere from 93 to 97 all weekend. It is supposed to cool down to 85 or so the rest of the week. Ughhh! Its miserable. Over 90 in the house. We have been sleeping downstairs in the living room with all three portable fans on is. Still too hot for comfort.

This weekend was the Relay for Life in Adrian. Mom wanted to go and be pushed in her wheelchair if necessary for the survivors lap. She missed it by only a little. Two friends of mine did honor her there though: Abby Kurowicki and Tricia Moyer-Fowler. Both bought luminaries and Abby called me as they were reading the names so I got to hear that. That really meant a lot to me. Abby also decorated a chair for the Rare Chair Affair and called hers "Confetti Sue" for mom. Her chair auctioned for $170! definitely one of the higher amounts. Tricia used a picture of mom on her team's shirts. As hard as it would have been to be there, I would have liked to be. Thanks girls!

Friday we had an organizational day for Tim's work. Didn't really want to go because we would prefer to avoid anything to do with his work. However, we dicided to go only because it was at the lake and we thought it might be cooler. It wasn't. There was a small cove though that a few people went in, us being part of them. That was really nice. Tim and I were able to sit in the shallow water and keep an eye on the kids. There were only about a dozen people there so it wasn't crowded and the kids had a blast.

In an effort to recreate that, on Saturday we went to the public beach at the lake. Yea, that wasn't much fun. The roped off part where you could swim was about 50 feet by 12 feet. The kids hated it. It wasn't relaxing at all. We left after being there about 30 minutes.

Today we continue our search for relief from the heat. . .

I miss Mom

We saw Matt tonight. We drove up to his house to take his car back to him and then he took us out to dinner at Jack in the Box. His girlfirend just broke up with him so he isn't doing so hot. Plus I think that its starting to hit him about Mom.

Speaking of. . . God I can't believe how much I miss her. I try not to think about her or to let it show because I don't want the kids to see me upset, but I am so depressed I don't know what to do sometimes. Seeing Matt didn't really help. I started crying on the way home. I don't think Tim really understands either. I feel like we/I am on this downward sprial and I don't know hot to come up. I ask for help, but I don't see it. I don't want to interact with either Tim or the kids. Plus with being nauseaus, all I do is lay on the couch all day. Don't feel like doing anything else, not playing, not watching TV, not cooking, not cleaning, half of the time, not talking. I look forward to the nights because I know that its getting dark and the kids will be going to bed soon. I wish I could go stay with my Aunt Sue for a week or two, just me, no kids or Tim. But I guess that's not really possible.

How do you pick up and go on? When does it not hurt anymore? When will I stop picking up the phone to call Mom's house and ask Nana how Mom's doing today or try to call Mom at work to talk about stuff? What do I do without her? I miss her so much. . .

Back to reality

It has been a horrible week. After we got the news about Mom, I was on a plane within 4 hours. Tim had to go to work so my neighbor took me to the airport and watched the kids for me. Moose picked me up at the airport and I ran sobbing into his arms. Thursday morning Sara and I went to Staples and started working on the memorial folders before Nana picked me up and we (aolng with Matt, Moose, and Aunt Vonne) went to the funeral home so that Aunt Vonne and I could see Mom one last time. That was horrible. It was the hardest thing I have ever done; it was easier to hand TJ to the doctors when he was 17 months old and had his adenoids removed. But I had to do it. I had to have that closure.

I don't really remember much of Friday. A lot of cleaning I think. Sara was ready to go through the house and start tossing things out. I definitely was not ready. I in fact was told to get whatever I wanted and get it out of the house. So my stuff went to Moose's until I am ready for it. Oh and Tim and the kids get there.

Saturday was Mom's memorial service. There was over 215 people there. It was jusst like Mom would have wanted. As funerals go, it was nice. It was hard. After the service a bunch of people came over to Mom's house. Most were drinking, I think. Sara accidently blurted out the fact that I'm pregnant to my dad who didn't know. Then after she realized what she did, she went in the house and told them what she did, not even realizing that they didn't know either. Oh well, less people that I have to tell myself, right?

Sunday was church and more cleaning. Mom's friend Amy came over afer church and helped. She stayed almost all day. It was nice because I really like her. We also went out to Abby's for dinner that night She made us stuffed shells and the kids got to feed the horse. Monday Tim and the kids went home and we did more cleaning. Nana and I went to dinner and then another one of mim's friends came over and we talked and hung out until after midnight. Then on Tuesday I came home. Tim went back to work after he dropped me off at home and he worked until late. He was informed that his first sergaent is trying to kick him out of the army. There has been a lot of problems with him. Yea, something else to deal with. . . We wanteed out of the army this is just a little sooner and a lot harsher than we planned. Don't really know what we'll do. Try to find jobs in Michigan. Maybe the Kalamazoo or Detroit areas. Hopefully it will all work out to our benefit.

So a lot has been going on, but at the same time, nothing really. We're just getting back into the rat race..

Mom passed away just before 10am eastern time this morning. I will be leaving in a couple of hours and will arrive at 10pm tonight. Thank you all for your continued prayers.

The time is near

I was woken to a phone call this morning. Sara. Mom's breathing got really bad overnight. The nurse was there this morning and told Nana to get the kids up and start calling family here. We don't know when, only soon, very soon. I am trying to pack and start making my arrangements now.

Boring

Not much new to report here on the West coast. Its hot again - mid eighties. It is supposed to cool down again by the end of the week. We are supposed to have a perfect 4th of July, one of the best in the nation, according to the weather channel, sunny and 80. Definitely out of character for Seattle.

Mom is still hanging in there. One nurse says anytime, the other says not anytime soon. Only time will tell, I guess. I don't know what to pray for anymore. Obviously I don't want her to die and as long as she's here, I can pretend I still have her. But I know those caring for her at home are having a hard time and just kind of wish she'd get on with it. I am having a hard time praying for my mom to die. Maybe because I'm not there immersed in it constantly. . . I know that whatever happens is God's will and it will be done in His time and in His way, not ours. So I've just been praying that we all can accept that and learn to be okay with His choices. You always understand even if you don't think about it, that you will have to bury your parents, but you never expect to have to do it while you still need them and while they still have life they should be living.

I haven't spoke with Mom in about two weeks. The last time, she had no idea who I was or what teeth were. Since then she's been sleeping so much or unable to talk while she's awake that I haven't gotten I chance to talk to her. I wonder if that conversation will be our last? IF so, I sure wish it had been more meaningful.

Another Lazy Day.

Tim is home for today and tomorrow morning then back out to the field for four or five days. e is supposed to be home for the fourth though. Don't have any big plans so far. Today we went to David's Bridal and tried on dresses for Kennedy. She was adorable and had a blast. She loved trying on the "up" shoes (shoes with a heel) and can't wait for Aunt Sara to get married so she can be there and can dress up. Now we are headed to Pizza Hut and Toys R Us because Tim promised the kids he would take them there when he came home. TJ is doing well with his potty training (hopefully I didn't just jinx it). He is able to go most of the day, including his nap without a diaper. The biggest hindrance is that I'm not usually feeling well enough to deal with it. This morning sickness is kicking my keister. I never know if I'm hungry or if I'm going to be sick. Sometimes its both. Can't wait for it to be over with. . . Oh yea, Sara and Ricardo changed the date of the wedding to August 25 because the original weekend (Aug. 18) is race weekend. They are holding the ceremony at St. Mary's and the reception at the fairgrounds I guess. Its fun planning this for now. I like being involved.

On the Mom front, the nurses say that even though she is deteriorating she shows no signs of dying anytime soon. She has developed at tolerance for the Ativan so they have to try to find something else. Sara said that she (Mom) spent the whole night moaning and crying at the top of her lungs for some reason. I worry that its getting to be too much for them (Sara, Matt, and Nana) to deal with. But there isn't really anything else we can do I guess.

Heat Wave

Summer is officially here. Mother Nature forgot to tell Seattle that its only the beginning of summer, not the dog days yet! Yesterday was a warm 87. Today 93 and tomorrow its supposed to be 97! Our average summer temp is between 80 and 85. We have no air conditioning. (I'm spoiled from living in Texas.) Currently it is only 85 downstairs in the house and our bedrooms upstairs are 89. Lovely.

My doctor prescribed percocet for my tooth which helped a lot. Now I have developed dry socket so I guess I'll be back there tomorrow. Does it end? No wonder so many people hate going to the dentist. I may soon become one of them.

We bought the kids a small blow up pool yesterday after gymnastics so they played in that and on the Slip and Slide all afternoon. We all got a little sun, but TJ is already brown as can be. Today I didn't feel like hanging around anybody so we kept to ourselves, ran some errands with Tim during his break today and went to Wal-Mart. Nothing big. More of the same tomorrow probably. . .

Tim comes in from the field on Tuesday some time and he'll be off Wednesday and most of Thursday. Then back to the field until Monday. The only good part is that he gets in to come in for an hour or two everyday to change uniforms and shower. Can't wait to be done with the military. We want to move back to Michigan so that we can be closer to family.

Ouch! Chipmunk Cheeks

So last week I had a toothache. I got an appointment for Monday morning at the dentist. I expected to have to have a cavity filled. WRONG!!! The dentist said it wasn't a cavity, but my molar which I had lost a filling on a few months ago. And oh yea, the absess was so bad he couldn't in good conscience let me leave the office without fixing it. Fixing it in this case meant pulling and oh by the way while we're there we're going to take the wisdom tooth which is impacted far in your jaw and into the nerves too. So with nothing other than a local anesthetic, I had two teeth pulled out. Because of the pregnancy, they couldn't put me under like they usually would. They did give me a pain killer (a Demorral derivitive) that they said was okay. It however made me sick to my stomach. I then found out that my doctor (OB) didn't want me to take that drug. So now I am stuck with plain old tylenol up to 3 times a day - not nearly enough.

On to good news! On Tuesday, Sara and her boyfriend Ricardo went to Toledo for dinner and he proposed to her. So now its official. They have set the date for August 18, 2007, which will be mine and Tim's 6th anniversary. I think that is really cool that they want to get married on the same day. She is planning a huge fiesta because Ricardo's family is so big. They are going to have something like 11 bridesmaids and groomsmen! I will be one of them and Kennedy will be the flower girl. There is so far only one glitch in their plans. He's Catholic and she's Presbyterian. So all you Catholics know what that means. . . Sara will have to convert. That ought to be interesting.

Well, I better go ice my face!
P.S. Jaime, what's your e-mail address? Mine is tembmurray@earthlink.net

Over the river and thru the woods. . .

Fort Lewis has some really neat trails. We have been wanting to go walking on some of them for awhile now. There are flat trails and trail up through the hills. A lot of the soldiers use them for land navigation training and such. The biggest problem with all these trail is that they are in the woods (duh!) That means animals. We have been cautioned about going through them too early in the spring because the animals (read: bears) are still too hungry. We figured that we would be okay today especially if we took Lady with us. For those who don't know, Lady is our big dog. She's a Black Russian Terrier, looks like a giant, black sheepdog. And oh yeah, she weighs 125 pounds. So we loaded the kids and the dog in the car and drove about a mile to where we knew there were trails. We chose the trail in the middle, which ended up with the steepest uphill climb. We hiked for about an hour, an hour and a half. Kennedy thought it was fun until an ant crawled across her shoe. TJ however thought that was hilarious. We didn't meet up with any animals or even find any evidence of any. I did get a bunch of great pictures though. Here are a couple.

Can you hear me now?

Kennedy had an audiology appointment yesterday, to have her hearing rescreened. She has a test and fails it then when we retest her she passes. So this one she of course failed. She has a slight hearing loss in her right ear. There is fluid behind her eardrum so it's not moving at all. They are pretty sure its only temporary. So now we have her retested in a month. If there is still fluid, they will most likely put tubes in her ears. Lots of fun, huh?

On the other hand, my lab tests all came out perfect. They should have, I'm pregnant, not sick. And they put me on a new anxiety drug called Buspar. One of the side effects is that it might "sedate" me too much at first. At least it will help me sleep.

Mom is doing about the same. She has been a little more alert in the last couple of days. And she hasn't been having any panic attacks. She doesn't however, recognize most people anymore. She keeps calling Matt "Blake", which is her brother. The other day though she did tell Matt that "he looks just like Matt." I guess that's a good thing for him to look like, right? I talk to her a couple of days a week, whenever she's awake when I call. I don't think she knows who I am though. That's hard to think about and try to understand, so I just don't anymore. I don't know what's worse, only talking to her every so often and knowing that she doesn't know who I am, or having to see it everyday like my brother and sister do. The dying process sucks.

Same ole, same ole. . .

We had McDonalds for lunch today because they are supposed to have the new "Cars" toys in their happy meals. They didn't. We got more of those mini Build-A-Bear toys. We'll have to try next week. TJ can't wait to see the movie. He wants everything he sees that has to do with "Cars."

Nothing really new to report on Mom. She isn't really eating, not really talking, sleeping a lot or just lying there looking at either the wall or the TV. She has lost all of her strength, which is not surprising. Matt has been lifting her for everything, sitting up to eat, using the bathroom, etc. At least she is not in any pain.

Last night was a bad night for Kennedy and me. She and I have been fighting a lot lately. She just wants to do her own thing. She either isn't hearing us, or isn't listening, both are possible. She has ear infections in both ears right now. But she had made a huge mess in her room and didn't want to clean it up. She just wanted me to throw away her toys so that she didn't have to take care of them. Well, I got upset and threw her toys in the hall. I left only her books in her room, took everything else out. She was really acting like a spoiled rotten brat. I don't know what it is lately with her, but I feel like I have lost any control. She was sent to bed early and was grounded to her room this morning instead of watching "Dora" with TJ. She finally decided to clean her room this afternoon while TJ was napping. We'll see how long that will last.

Yesterday Kennedy wanted to talk to Nana and tell her she loved her because Nana is dying. She asked me how long until Nana died, and I told her I didnt' know. She said, "I think Nana will die in 10 more years." If only. . .

Its just one of those days where I just want to crawl back into bed and cry myself to sleep. I went to the doctor today to have my official pregnancy test done and I had to take both kids with me. That was a trial in itself. TJ thought it would be fun to climb all over the chairs and tables and jump off of them. I don't agree. Then they told me that I couldn't take my anxiety pills or my sleeping pills anymore. I know that its standard, I am wondering how I am going to function and deal with mom without those. I won't sleep, that's for sure.

Speaking of mom, she has not been eating for the past two days, or really using the bathroom either. (She told me that she was eating just fine though.) According to the hospice nurses, she's entering the active phases of dying. How do I deal with that? I don't want to lose my mom. God told me that He knows that and He knows that I need her, but that He needs her more than I do. I wish I knew how to believe that and take comfort in it. I believe in God, but I'm not as good a Christian as I would like to be. I wish I knew how to change that. . .

For those who read this, I am sorry that it seems to be a bitch fest.

. . . and not so good news

I guess I was wrong yesterday when I said that Mom was doing fine. I didn't have the full picture because I'm not being kept as imformed as I would like to be. I know that Matt and Sara don't want to talk about mom being sick all the time and I understand that. I really do, but need to keep me informed. Its my mom too and I have a right to know everything. Just because I'm not there physically doesn't mean that I shouldn't know as much as they do. I know that its not personal, but it sometimes feels like it is. I did talk to Sara and hopefully we have things worked out between us. I told her that I would talk to everybody if she wanted, that way she doesn't have to. She had also been calling funeral homes and trying to maek up one of those papers that get passed out during a funeral. I told her I would take over the calling for her and write an obituary and help of the paper if she wanted. I just want to be involved. There's not a lot that I can do from here, but I can make phone calls and such.
So I guess that Mom has been gettting a little worse every day, a little weaker every day, and eats and drinks a little less every day. She is in a lot of pain now and sleeps all day . She's beginning to not recognize people now too. The hospice nurses say only a couple of weeks now. How do we do it? What do I do after I lose my mom? She's too young to die. She never smoked. Why does she have lung cancer? Isn't this something that happens to "other people"? I pray everyday for God's will to be done and I know that it will be, but some days its harder to accept that. I'm afraid that I will lose my family after we lose Mom, she's the glue that holds us all together. I don't understand why this has to happen. . .

Good News!

We found out Sunday evening that I am pregnant again! I can't get in to the doctor until June 13, but they did tell me that my due date is January 29, 2007. We aren't planning on telling my family yet. They have enough to deal with right now.

Mom is still doing the same, I guess. She sleeps all the time, waking only to eat. She has lost her voice now too. Hospice comes at least three times a week to check her vitals and pain levels, which last I knew were okay; very little pain. Matt has extended his leave until July 21, so he is there to help Sara and Nana. I don't know what we would do without them. Sara especially has been wonderful. I am so grateful that God directed Sara into the nursing field. The church has been bringing dinner over every night. They too have been a huge help.